Diandra's Blog

over at http://diandrizzle.tumblr.com/

taken by Mundilfari* on Flickr

You know when you get so wrapped up in something, so caught up, that you lose sight of what’s actually going on around you? You lose sight of what’s really important, you lose sight of the plans you had for yourself originally. Whenever I see a glimpse of hope into something that might work out in the end, just because it makes me happy, I rearrange every thought process and level headed decision so that it revolves around that one thing.

I had my life set on the idea of completing a six month co-op at home. It turns out that many of my friends are staying at school, whether it be for classes or co-op, and suddenly I feel that I’ll be missing out. I am so afraid of those six months drastically changing everything, that I would completely alter my plans just to prevent that from happening. What I’ve failed to realize is that my future lies within myself and the opportunities that come my way, not where my friends and loved ones will be.

College is turning out to be one of the most challenging experiences, people wise, that I’ve had to deal with. The coming and going of everyone, the uncertainty, the possibilities. Everything is so fleeting. Time, people, chances. I never expected that it would turn out this way, and it is making me grow up so much faster than I ever wanted to.

The one thing that seems to really be holding me back is my lack of a real, loving relationship. I have this idea that by having one, it would be the one certain thing in my life. The one thing I could count on. Having someone be my support system, my never ending supply of love. It just seems so right. And I feel so ready, more ready than I’ve ever felt before. Yet I am having the worst trouble finding the “right” one. All of these meaningless encounters, situations, “friends with benefits”, whatever you want to call them. I’m ready for something of real substance, full of meaning, honesty, trust, commitment. I know that is a LOT to ask of anyone in college, but I’m ready, and I need to find someone who is ready to experience something real with me.

“I need someone to ease my mind, but sometimes a someone is so hard to find.” – Smashing Pumpkins, In The Arms Of Sleep

In the meantime, being home for spring break has been a great way for me to ease my mind and get things back in order. The farther away I am from school, the more I am forced to come back to reality and map out my future based on my needs.

Home does a heart good.

Sweet dreams<3

The difference betwen you and me is that I am sincere, genuine, compassionate and considerate. The levels of selfishness, insincerety, and mistrust that you have shown are mind-boggling. I do not know how many times I’m going to have to be let down in order to realize that you are a complete waste of time. You are young and carefree, as we all are, except you also happen to be completely oblivious to the feelings of those around you. I have never met such a rude and manipulating individual. I am ashamed to have ever believed that there was an ounce of goodness in your actions because in the end it all amounted to nothing.

I don’t play games. I don’t have time for this. You don’t deserve a moment in my thoughts. I pity your stupidity because you truly missed out on a beautiful opportunity.

“God only knows how much I could have loved you if you’d only let me.”

good night.

I keep searching for you everywhere but keep coming up empty. I see you so vividly in my dreams, saying all the right things, doing what you could not do for me in person. It’s been so long since we’ve last touched and yet it’s the one thing I yearn for the most. It’s insane how my mind keeps reminding me of you at night, but I convinced myself so strongly long ago that things were through between us. I keep waiting for a moment to connect with you, but I can never reach you. Why are you so hard to find?

Maybe that’s what keeps me longing for you. The fact that you are so far out of reach. We always want what we can’t have…

I apologize for my lack of posts here. It’s not that I don’t have enough to write about, it’s just that I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings into the right words for a blog post.

I hope that the holidays were good for everyone. I’ve been home for ten days now and I am loving every (almost) moment. There is just something about going back to what is the most familiar to me that gives me a sense of comfort, safety, and release. As ridiculous as our malls get during this time of year, they are still my favorite place to visit because of the overwhelming sense of home I feel there. That was our hangout spot growing up. The place where you could stay all day to get away from everything else. Read up on some magazines, shop for clothes, see a movie, get some grub. It’s funny to see youngsters hanging out there the way that I used to.

We’re all growing up. Moving forward. Not always in the right direction, but moving nonetheless.

Something I’ve been wanting to write about for a long time now is my renewed sense of self. Mostly myself as a hopeless romantic/idealist. It became so easy to lose sight of who I really was, who I’ve always been. And that tends to happen when you’re far away from your “roots” aka what you call home. It doesn’t have to be a place necessarily, but it could be a certain group of friends, a certain kind of lifestyle you no longer live, etc. When things change, you want to learn from your past and grow in a new direction, but what I did was abandon my past all together. And I don’t know about you, but that wasn’t the best path to take.

I’ve always had so much hope for the best; in life, in people, in myself. I’ve always expected only the best. I’ve always gone above and beyond for the ones I love and care for. While it is true that what you give is not always what you get, and that getting let down is common, I shouldn’t have let that get in the way of my true nature. If you really think about it, everything has a way of figuring itself out. No matter what predicament or situation you are in, there will be a way for it to resolve itself. As long as you give your all and believe that to be true, it will happen.

Just because you did not dedicate yourself the way that I did for you does not mean that there won’t be someone who will.

I am accepting heartbreak instead of denying it. It only makes me stronger. I hope that you are all able to embrace your downfalls in order to grow from them. It’s okay to be let down and feel that pain. It’s okay to experience heart ache. There is no good without the bad. You can only appreciate the good that much more, so please, accept it. Feel it. Learn from it. And move on.

It might never be easy. But it will be worth it.

Love & Peace

“If I should die this very moment, I wouldn’t fear;
for I have never known completeness like being here.
Wrapped in the warmth of you; loving every breath of you.
Still my heart this moment, or it might burst.
Could we stay right here, till the end of time, till the earth stops turning?
Wanna love you till the seas run dry.
I found the one I’ve waited for…
All this time I’ve loved you, and never known your face.
All this time I’ve missed you, and searched this human race.
Here is true peace. Here my heart knows  c a l m.
Safe in your soul, bathed in your sighs.”

lyrics from Lamb – Gorecki

http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/34093032

such intense feelings. so heartfelt. i love it.