taken by Mundilfari* on Flickr

You know when you get so wrapped up in something, so caught up, that you lose sight of what’s actually going on around you? You lose sight of what’s really important, you lose sight of the plans you had for yourself originally. Whenever I see a glimpse of hope into something that might work out in the end, just because it makes me happy, I rearrange every thought process and level headed decision so that it revolves around that one thing.

I had my life set on the idea of completing a six month co-op at home. It turns out that many of my friends are staying at school, whether it be for classes or co-op, and suddenly I feel that I’ll be missing out. I am so afraid of those six months drastically changing everything, that I would completely alter my plans just to prevent that from happening. What I’ve failed to realize is that my future lies within myself and the opportunities that come my way, not where my friends and loved ones will be.

College is turning out to be one of the most challenging experiences, people wise, that I’ve had to deal with. The coming and going of everyone, the uncertainty, the possibilities. Everything is so fleeting. Time, people, chances. I never expected that it would turn out this way, and it is making me grow up so much faster than I ever wanted to.

The one thing that seems to really be holding me back is my lack of a real, loving relationship. I have this idea that by having one, it would be the one certain thing in my life. The one thing I could count on. Having someone be my support system, my never ending supply of love. It just seems so right. And I feel so ready, more ready than I’ve ever felt before. Yet I am having the worst trouble finding the “right” one. All of these meaningless encounters, situations, “friends with benefits”, whatever you want to call them. I’m ready for something of real substance, full of meaning, honesty, trust, commitment. I know that is a LOT to ask of anyone in college, but I’m ready, and I need to find someone who is ready to experience something real with me.

“I need someone to ease my mind, but sometimes a someone is so hard to find.” – Smashing Pumpkins, In The Arms Of Sleep

In the meantime, being home for spring break has been a great way for me to ease my mind and get things back in order. The farther away I am from school, the more I am forced to come back to reality and map out my future based on my needs.

Home does a heart good.

Sweet dreams<3